If Only…
April 12, 2025
We’ve all said these 2 little words, “if only",” hoping our circumstances were different. If only I had that job, that car, or more vacation time. If only my relationship were different or my child wasn’t sick. But that’s not how it works, does it? We are always searching for things that are just out of reach. It’s human nature but we are also living in a “me first” era. Everywhere we look we are told that our happiness is our one goal in life. But if you really think about it, happiness is not a sustainable goal. As soon as we get the thing we desire, the happiness fades and we are on to the next thing to make us happy. Some of us get stuck in this loop and can even be willing to sacrifice our friends, family, and morals in order to pursue this elusive happiness.
Well I’m here to tell you that there’s a different pursuit that will actually fulfill you and is quite sustainable…values and purpose. Before you come at me, research supports this fact:
People with a sense of purpose report less anxiety and depression than those without.
People who report living a life aligned with their morals and values report higher levels of happiness.
Sure there are other things we need such as safety and stability. If you do not feel safe or do not have a stable living situation, you need to work on that first (and I hope you are able to get the help you need to change your situation). Fun and freedom are also cited quite a bit as being correlated with happiness but not to the extent as purpose and values. Studies show that wealthy people generally report higher rates of happiness (to a point) but also interestingly enough, people with disabilities, terminal illness, and other heavy life circumstances often report higher rates of happiness and satisfaction. So what might make a person with a disability happier than the rest of us?
Gratitude seems to be at the root of the “disability paradox.” When you appreciate your life, you tend to live with a sense of purpose that pulls you out of your “me first” thinking. But purpose can take many forms- volunteering your time, donating to a cause you believe in, being kind to strangers. There are a million small ways to have purpose and some get called to bigger ones. Being a mom has a purpose. As does taking care of an elderly parent or working in a human services field.
Living your values can be a bit trickier because you have to really know what you care deeply about and consistently take stock of how this lines up with how you are spending your time and resources. For example if one of my core values is honesty, but I work for a company that I know is not honest, it will affect my happiness because I’m living outside of my values. You can justify it all day and ignore it but it will affect your health and wellbeing. This may be why we are all sick but that’s a blog post for another day...
I am guilty as the rest of us of getting stuck in the happiness loop. I was hiking this morning with my dog when I came across someone reading a book by the water. I kept walking but when I saw that he was still there when I looped back, I felt a nudge to go talk to him as there might be a purpose there. After a few minutes of small talk I went on my way. I’m embarrassed to say this, but I was frustrated that nothing really seemed fulfilling about the interaction…until it hit me. It’s not about me. Maybe that interaction had a purpose for him, or maybe my “me first” realization was the purpose.
So I want to encourage you whether you’re walking your dog, facing a huge diagnosis, or stuck in the happiness loop, to take time to discover your purpose and values. Get out of “if only” and “me first” thinking. It may just be the most satisfying thing you ever do.